Coaching Mums Blog

Bedtime Story: Trying to be Wonder Woman?

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 18:00:00 GMT

“Poor Phil! You have it so bad, don’t you?”

“You have no idea. Every single moment from the moment we wake up you’re bossy, disapproving, inconsiderate-“

“I’m inconsiderate? I’M INCONSIDERATE? Have you ever seen our bathroom in the morning after Tsunami Phil’s blown through? The floor? The sink?...... And how many years have I asked you to do a simple thing like put the toilet paper in right?..... After ten years of asking you to have it roll the right way, you STILL don’t do it right....You think I don’t know your little tricks? Where you leave half a thimble of milk in the carton and put it back in the fridge so that you don’t have to be the one to finish and replace it?”

“You’re right. You know why I do that Claire?.... Because I’m AFRAID to. God forbid I get the wrong kind of grass-fed bio homogenized whatever and meet your wrath. You’re like the nutrition Nazi... And I’ve got to be your little nutrition Nazi Goebbels because we have to be this “united front” with Ollie! What’s wrong if he eats 2 bowls of Captain Sugar instead of one? Or if his handwriting isn’t perfect?”

“Poor Phil. I feel so sorry for you. It must be hard having to be the cool fun parent while I get to be the one who makes sure our child’s fed, clothed and SURVIVES!”

“How would you even know? You don’t give me or anyone else a chance. You’re so goddamn controlling. You’ve got to be Wonder Woman, keeping everyone in line, looking down on them from her fancy Wonder Woman plane and controlling everything with her wonder superpowers! You paint yourself as this victim but you get off on being the super lady!”

The above is an abridged excerpt from the draft transcript of “Date Night”, a movie that Chris and I watched a couple of weeks ago, starring Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Whilst I watched it, I giggled and cringed, as there were more than one element that I have heard related many times in conversations with my clients (and ahem, also between me and my husband). This conversation didn’t actually make it to the final movie. The dialogue that replaced the one above was an argument that developed between Phil and Claire after they had visited her former real estate client, Holbrook Grant, played by Mark Wahlberg “sans shirt” (what fun to watch this two minute clip and see Claire flirting with her client whilst her hapless husband looks on!) http://movieclips.com/AcyM/)

I have transcribed the “cut” script above, simply because I don’t have the rental movie to refer to and, having searched the Internet for “Date Night movie script”, I could only find this first draft that had been scanned in and posted on several (probably dodgy!) sites. But for the purposes of this story, it’s perfect!

God knows, I can give you example after example in my own household....

The clothes that Monsieur Alexander leaves on the floor EVERY night (“Are these clothes on the floor for me to pick up dirty or clean?”) is one example that always springs to mind.

Another is the fact that when I was away in London for 2 days last week, I can be 100% certain that the boys were fed on meat, no veg, bacon butties, white bread and Nutella, not enough water and CERTAINLY NO FRUIT.
Why was I surprised when I delegated the shopping to DH and he bought salad that was one day beyond its use by date?

14 years in this relationship. 14 years, 2 boys and now 1 dog and the habits remain. And they always will. So, I have a choice here. I can either get stressed and frustrated or I can just be slightly puzzled, raise my eyebrows and smile whilst I sigh.

I hear this sort of thing from my clients in their new client questionnaires so often:

“I have to be the one to control it all”
“It’s my way or the highway”
“I’m the only one who can do it all”

Strike a chord? Then get over yourself Wonder Woman!

The moral of the story: Give Up.

Have you heard this definition of madness? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Stop the madness now. Stop trying to control it all and simply let it go: give up. What’s important to you isn’t necessarily important to him. That’s all. There’s no magic formula on how to deal with a spouse who has habits that annoy you or who doesn’t do things your way.

Girls. GIVE IN. GIVE UP. Stop trying to be the Nutrition Nazi, the Homework Fascist or whatever it is that’s your “Thing”!

Your coaching question:

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?

That’s all for now, girls! Have a great day, and remember to take off your Wonder Woman tiara before you make breakfast!

One crazy weekend in the life of two working parents

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 16:18:00 GMT

A schedule of events that I'm sure you may be able to relate to and tips to help you manage your crazy weekends...

Friday afternoon/evening:
Friend of M round for play and tea. Must remember to sort out food as friend is vegetarian. Hmmm…… what will we eat? If I haven’t remembered to sort something out this morning, there will probably be a last minute dash to our village butcher (who lets you in round the back door when the shop is closed) for a steak. Chris will be given the job of making his fabulous baker chips while I’ll be in charge of cooking the steak to medium rare perfection. Evening – chat, watch a DVD, drink wine and probably get to bed later than good intentions!

Saturday Morning:
Swimming lessons for both M and F 9.30am to 11am, so Chris will be out of the door with them by 9.10am.

In the meantime, I’ll go for a quick run: Intention will be 1 hour and by the time I’ve got my act together, I’ll probably have just enough time for half an hour and a very rushed shower, then do menu planning and set off to shop for the week ahead (2 boys plus dad will be without me from Tuesday to Friday). Must also plan for dinner party this evening as we have 6 friends coming round.

Note to self - Must find a sports shop to buy gum shield for M, otherwise he won’t be able to participate in tomorrow’s karate tournament (wishful thinking!)

Saturday Afternoon:
Back home from shopping: Unload shopping and put it away. Bucket cookery (probably curry) for a crowd of adults and kids of various ages in preparation for this evening. Set the table now as won’t have time later. Try to make sure house looks semi-presentable.

At 2.30pm, one of us (to be decided) will head off to a play barn in town for F to go to a friend’s party from 3-5pm. That “one of us” will pop into Majestic Wine Warehouse (our grown up version of a play barn) for wine on the way back from the children’s party. Meanwhile, t’other one of us will take M to the school bingo (an annual “must attend” event for the kids) which starts at 4pm. Will have to duck out at 6pm to get ready for arrival of friends at about 6.30pm. M won’t be pleased to miss the final bonus round, but tough!

Saturday evening:
Open wine, greet friends, eat, drink and be merry. Coax boys into bed probably far later than intended.

Sunday morning (afternoon?):
Up at 8am (SO uncivilised on a Sunday) to take M to karate tournament that starts at 9.30 am. No idea what time this finishes or what we'll have left of the day, but hoping it's just until lunchtime.

Sunday afternoon
Whatever time is left will probably be spent:

• Washing clothes
• Putting clothes away
• Helping M with homework
• Nagging M to do guitar practice
• Continuing with the never ending work in the garden sawing down laurel bushes (husband, not me, although I have been known to be quite handy with the saw).
• Play with boys in garden
• Preparing and cooking Sunday roast for dinner
• Pack for trip to London on Tuesday. Why do I have to pack on Sunday you ask? Because Monday continues in the same vein as the crazy weekend...

Sunday evening
Family roast dinner around table. Conversation will consist of M and F’s famous stories which involve much violence, surreal adventure and toilet humour. Get boys into bed for a reasonable hour. Collapse in front of TV to catch up on current intellectual TV viewing of the moment: “True Blood” (about vampires) or “The Walking Dead” (about Zombies). Off to bed by 11pm for sweet dreams about zombies with fangs.

Monday morning
Wake up, get boys fed, dressed, off to school and nursery. First client at 8.30 am, coach clients throughout the day until 3pm.

Monday afternoon
Pick M up from school. M goes to a party (5-6.30pm) in Chester. Luckily we've got a very kind parent to take him with her son, so need to take M to her house. We’ve had to ask this because it’s parents’ evening at school tonight and our slot is 5pm. Logistically we can’t do picking F up from nursery, taking M to party AND attend parents’ evening.
Monday evening

Give M a 2nd tea (he’ll no doubt want more food after his party tea as he seems to be on a growth spurt and has hollow legs) and give F a 2nd tea (even though he’ll have had “2nds, 2nds, 2nds, 2nds” for lunch, lunch pudding, tea and tea pudding at nursery, he too has hollow legs). Try (and probably fail) to get F to bed at 7pm. Prepare for my “Mums Who Coach” 2nd group call of the month (their mentor coaching call) and dial into the bridge line at 7.55pm. Come off the call about 9.15-9.30pm, get ready for bed, check I’ve got everything for tomorrow morning and set 2 alarms to get up at 4 a.m. so I can set off for 4.45am to get to London for a 9.30am start of a 4 day course.

Note to Chris: Don’t forget: As M has missed Monday night karate because of friend’s party; he must go on Wednesday evening instead, because we’ve PAID FOR IT!!!!

2nd note to Chris: Try to give boys fruit as well as nutella on toast.

3rd note to Chris: Try not to feed them pasta and sauce EVERY night that I’m away.

Lessons, ponderings and questions on “One crazy weekend in the life of two working parents”

If you’ve read down to here, congratulations! I hope you’re not feeling as exhausted as I am having read it! So, for those of you still with me, here are my thoughts on our crazy weekend:

1. No matter how busy or crazy this weekend seems, I bet there are some of you who can compare in craziness or even beat it completely! This leads to the question: Is this a typical weekend? In our case – NO! It would be completely unsustainable. This sort of weekend is unusual in being this busy and manic and I recognise that it needs to be followed by a less frenetic weekend to allow us to recover, catch up and allow ourselves some down time.

2. If this sort of weekend IS typical for you, then I invite you to write your own crazy weekend diary and read it back to yourself. Could be a great way of clearly seeing where it’s all going a bit doolally and to help you to say “NO!” to some of the madness.

3. Having written this and read it back to myself, I’m preparing to have a “No can do” conversation with M about the Saturday afternoon bingo. Even though we’ve managed to attend every year, it is just plain daft trying to fit this in simply so that M won’t be disappointed. He’s having a friend round on Friday, he’ll be seeing friends on Saturday night, taking part in a karate tournament on Sunday and he’s going to a party on Monday. That’s more than enough fun for any 8 year old over the space of 4 days!

4. Which leads me to my next pondering: Do we pander too much to our kids nowadays? I think we do. Recent studies are revealing that today’s parenting is very child-centric. This is laudable only up to a point; our kids have to learn to deal with disappointment and they have to learn to be a little bored. Whilst as parents, we encourage and value their activities and friendships, it’s not possible to do or have it all. Life can’t be all fun fun fun and mum and dad running around attending to their every whim. If we raise kids to think that the World revolves around them, they are going to have one helluva shock when they venture out into the Big Bad World as adults. Sure, for us as parents, our children are precious, important and a central part of our lives. But we’ve got to face fact that it’s not how the majority of the rest of the World will regard them. They will have to fit in with the wider World, not the other way round!

5. What are you doing for YOU during the weekend? It’s all too easy for working parents to spend their weekends catching up on chores and running around after kids. My crazy weekend will include at least one run, no matter what. It’s one of my sanity savers and it’s “set in stone”! Another “set in stone” for us is at least one evening of pure grown up time without the kids around. This gets harder as M gets older, but we are developing some cunning ways around that. Where are your “set in stone” moments of pleasure or down time for you as a grown up during the weekend?

6. There’s a lot to be grateful for in a crazy weekend, brought into sharp relief at the moment by earthquakes, tsunamis, unstable nuclear power reactors and despotic dictators killing their own citizens. We have a family, a home, love, friends, food, fun and wine - and we’re living in a stable democracy. A crazy weekend is a privilege indeed!

“How to Survive and Thrive as a Working Mum with One Simple Mindset Tweak”

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 14:59:00 GMT

Amanda Interviews Suzy Greaves, author of “The Big Leap” and “The Big Peace” (www.thebig-leap.com and http://bigleaplife.com). In this interview, Amanda and Suzy will be talking about the one mindset tweak you need to learn in order to survive and thrive as a working mum

In this interview, you will learn

How to let go of perfectionism
How to embrace your flaws
How to let go of the fantasy of how you think you “should” be living as a working mum
How to enjoy life as it really is

I’m trying something new this month to make it easier and simpler for you to access this goodness! You don’t need to register, you don’t need to put it in the diary and set aside the time to be on the call “live”. Just stay tuned and as soon as I’ve recorded the interview with Suzy, I’ll let you have access to it so that you can download it and listen to it at your leisure! You see, “Simplify” is the name of my game in 2011!

In order to gain access to this interview, sign up here for the Inspire Newsletter.

7 simple ways to enjoy time with your kids during February half term

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 17:38:00 GMT

It’s these simple moments of pleasure that make my day, so when you read my list and perhaps add your own favourite things to do via the blog, remember that simplicity is invariably best and just make it easy and fun for YOU as well as your children!

1. Lie in. Do not get up early, do not plan your half term with military precision. Have a pyjama morning. Be lazy, be slouchy, get cosy and just let it all hang out. Your kids will enjoy this downtime with you and you can take the performance anxiety away from having to entertain your kids!

2. Go to a library. Great for mooching around if you love books and kids love the idea that they can choose their own books to take away. Many libraries have cosy corners or toys as well as all those lovely books to browse through! Follow with a trip to your favourite cafe for coffee (for you of course) and cake (for you and the kids of course) on the way back.

3. Go to the cinema and lose yourself in a great kids’ movie. “Tangled” or “Gnomeo and Juliet” is on my radar for February half term! Follow with a trip to a cafe for coffee and cake.

4. Make a den. I love my friend Heather Bestel’s idea of combining den making with relaxation (www.magicalmediations4kids.com ). She suggests making a cosy den in the house using blankets, duvets and pillows and retreating in there with your kids to read or just to lie down and relax.

5. Declutter the kids’ toy boxes, drawers and wardrobes together. Take all their unwanted toys to your local charity shop and feel the sense of lightness sweeping over you. If your kids are reluctant to get rid of their old toys, try some bribery and promise a new, small toy or treat in return for their good dead of giving their old toys to others!
After you’ve taken the toys/clothes/books to the charity shop, follow with coffee and cake.

6. Bake! Muffins are easy peasy to make (the less mixing the better!), they are divine with coffee (!) and if you make a couple of batches, you can freeze them ready to take out for packed lunches. Domestic Godess-ness made simple! To get you started, here’s one of the easiest muffin recipes ever for greedy people like me and my boys, who don’t like to wait long: Start to finish in less than 25 minutes. Even better, as they are low fat, you could serve them with cream!

Saintly Blueberry Muffins
Ingredients:

•   1 cup unsweetened blueberries, fresh or frozen
•   1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
•   2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
•   1/3 cup sugar
•   1 egg, slightly beaten
•   1/4 cup oil
•   1/2 cup skim milk
•   1 teaspoon sugar

1. Preheat oven to 400° F. Lightly spray a muffin tin with vegetable spray.
2. Wash and drain blueberries. Set aside.
3. In a large bowl, sift flour, baking powder and 1/3 cup sugar together.
4. In a small bowl, combine egg, oil and milk.
5. Pour all at once into dry ingredients. Stir just enough to blend. Gently stir in blueberries.
6. Pour batter into prepared muffin tin, filling each cup 2/3 full. Sprinkle lightly with 1 teaspoon sugar and bake 17 minutes, or until light brown. Allow muffins to cool 2 minutes before removing from pan.

Makes 12 muffins (serving is 1 muffin)
Apologies that there is no acknowledgment of the source of this recipe. I’ve had it for ages copied and pasted into a document on my hard disk and can’t remember where I found it!

7. Go to a playground and don’t just sit on a park bench catching up with emails and freezing your butt off. Instead, PLAY alongside your children and with them. Swing on the swings, spin on the roundabout and balance a pole. Get those endorphins going as you move your body and act like a kid with your kids. Follow by a trip to a body of water with some hungry and willing ducks or swans (remembering to pack your stale bread before you set out), then follow with a trip to your favourite cafe.....!

Seven Ways to Simplify your Life as a Working Mum

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 18:21:00 GMT

Four remote controls, two phones, a lap top ,a desk top and a set of car keys constantly being moved into obscure hiding places by the kids – and we were all told technology would simplify our lives! As working mums our lives are complicated further by the dual identity we keep and the limited time either side of the working day to get ourselves organised.

Here are 7 ways to simplify your life as a working mum.

1. Challenge yourself on the ‘must’ and ‘should’ haves rather than the ‘could’ haves. As a working mum it is too easy to pile on the pressure to do absolutely everything and do it all perfectly. When writing your lists really challenge yourself if it absolutely has to be done , a ‘must’ ,or if it ought to be done, a ‘should’ , these can be put off until tomorrow. Or a ‘could’, those tasks that may make you feel really virtuous like hand baking cookies with handmade labels for your child’s teacher’s present, but ask yourself , are your children going to grow up any differently if the ‘coulds’ don’t always happen? The answer is most certainly no.

2. Have a wall calendar. Large and visible to capture everything going on each day, no more surprises.

3. Have a clean out. We are all a little bit guilty of saving things ‘just in case they could come in handy’ even our wardrobes are filled with things we haven’t worn in the last 5 years. How many of us in a new home start off with a ‘bits and bobs’ draw, for those little items that don’t really have a home anywhere else? Now we can hardly find room for our cutlery as the bits and the bobs encroach every bit of drawer space in the kitchen. Spend a cathartic morning with a charity clothes bag, an ebay sales box and a black bin bag. You will feel a whole lot better for it and you’ll save future time not hunting things down.

4. Buy lots of bags and fill them for different occasions. If your kids are still young, you’ve got to have the changing bag, a must for every eventuality. Then your child will need a bag for the childminder or nursery where they may have different requests – sun lotion, lots of change of clothes, wellies etc! You can try and use the bag for both in an effort to simplify but ultimately you’ll end up weighed down and often forgetful of the key items. It is in fact simpler to have a separate bag for each occasion; you can even make up a swim bag, stocked with all you’ll need in the way of nappies, clothes and arm bands. “Take two bags into the pool? – Not me”. Of course, as your children get older, you need less paraphernalia, but even more patience (but that’s another article for another day!)

5. Stay on top of things. It’s stating the blinkin’ obvious, but for working mums stepping over the threshold after a busy day, with the bath and bedtime routine ahead of them, putting the post away is a task that can be put off. All too often, so too, is checking the tyre pressures on the car and checking the oil level. What this ensures is that rather than a five minute task daily or weekly, the filing becomes an entire day’s focus and the car will require a 2 hour wait for a tow. Get into the habit of doing things straight away and give your reactive problem solving skills a bit of a break – rest assured that the kids are great problem generators for any mum to deal with!

6. Buy a gorgeous notebook. Carry it everywhere for your lists, thoughts and calculations. Working mums often have that light bulb moment remembering about the costume required for the school nativity play costume whilst driving to work or in the middle of a meeting at work. Instead of having to scout for random bits of handbag ragged paper, use your notebook. You’ll have it to reference back to when you can’t remember exactly how much you worked out a nanny would cost, or that it’s a friend’s birthday tomorrow.

7. Get the kids helping. Make it fun, give them rewards and count to ten when it initially all goes wrong, your patience will one day pay off.

How to Deal With Separation Anxiety as a Working Mum

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 18:17:00 GMT

No matter how reassured to the contrary, working mums will always have that little unshakeable belief that the root of their child’s separation anxiety lies with their dual role as a worker and a mother.
Let me start off by stating, one more time, into those tired and cry-dented ears, that separation anxiety is a common occurrence to all children between the ages of seven months to three years old, even if their mothers are not working mums and rarely even leave a room without them.

Separation anxiety usually begins between 7 and 10 months. The starting point for all of these tears is their tentative grasp of object permanence. Before the age of seven months a baby thinks that when Mummy walks away she disappears, she can’t be seen or heard any longer so she must no longer exist. Ho hum, let’s get back to bashing toys together. After this age they start to realise that although mum’s gone, she is still out there somewhere and could still be hauled back to play by means most foul – the heart rendering sobs only a baby can produce!

Here are 3 ways to help you deal with separation anxiety:

1. Remind yourself that as a working mum, by leaving your child in the care of another, you are socialising your child. School applications often ask if your child has regular opportunities to socialise with other children. In other words, are they used to extending common courtesies to another child attempting to snatch their favourite toy out of their hands? Can they share, take turns, be comforted by another adult other than yourself? As long as you are building self confidence in your child at home, and your child is attending a good care group or minder (which of course they will be because you researched it, visited it and look sneakily through the windows at every given chance) they will be gaining all these things in spades.

2. Get creative in your play. Help ease your baby through their anxiety by increasing the intensity of Peek-a Boo. Each time you disappear, leave it for a little bit longer. This will help your baby to learn to relax, safe in the understanding that Mummy always returns, eventually.

3. At all times, especially the darkest, repeat the mantra ‘It is only a phase, it too will pass’. Remember the incessant night feeds that drained you of any grip on reality and felt like it was forever? Well, if your baby was anything like the majority, that period took up about 16 weeks and hopefully it’s hard to remember clearly now. Or the first stages of weaning when your baby refused anything and everything, and your frustrations that your child was never going to eat anything – ever. Well, hopefully that phase passed too, probably to the point that you can’t eat anything without a demanding little pointed finger and a determined grunt signalling that what is Mummy’s is mine!

I know it will feel hard to believe but this will pass too, you’ll be onto potty training in no time.

10 Ways to Find an Extra Half Hour for Time-Poor Working Mums

Mon, 17 Jan 2011 18:13:00 GMT

Eldest child dressed in school uniform? Tick. Coats on ready to go? Tick. Nappy incident that requires the swift removal of coats? Tick. Important work documents for today’s meeting? Tick. Baby sick on shoulder of new work clothes? Tick.
It’s no wonder that working mums need to utilise every single minute , so how valuable would an extra half an hour every day be? Is it really possible for a working mum to claw back an extra half hour each day? Here are 10 ideas for you to try!

1. Teach your child independence. No matter how painful the initiation stages of this process, this’ll ultimately reward you with time. Start by offering your child choices about their clothes or food in order to instil self- belief and decisiveness. Build up to dressing themselves, or even have a low cupboard with their drinking cups that they can go and fill up. Yes, this will sometime drive you mad when you are late for work and they insist they are going to ‘do it themselves’ as both legs are jammed down one trouser opening, but ultimately it’ll make your children less likely to whine ‘MUUUM’ every 5 minutes whilst you shower.

2. Cut the cleaning in half. Follow great advice on making your life easier during the cleaning chores.   Keep all your supplies in one place and clean as you go; wiping up spills straight away instead of leaving them to harden, necessitating a remedial chisel, will ultimately save you time.   And ultimately, be less fussy. Think “Cleanliness is next to... driving myself into the ground with exhaustion”.

3. Share the load. Make friends with other working mums on the nursery run and, once rapport is established and a few play dates are under your belt, broach the subject of sharing the drop offs and pick-ups.

4. Learn to do it online. If you’re not already, invest the time to get your groceries delivered. Buy children’s cards and gifts in bulk so that you never have to do that last minute shopping dash when an unexpected invite arrives.   Next time you get an email flashing up from Amazon saying “20% of all kids’ toys” do a bulk shop for the various parties!

5. Master the art of saying No. You’ve heard it before and you’re going to hear it again. Working mums are expected to do a lot, not only work, raise the kids and manage the household, but often , their business and time-management skills are commandeered for every committee going. It’s quite simple, two letters – NO! (Although you may keep your friends and your job if you follow it with a ‘thank you very much’).

6. Try to be simply great rather than perfect. Due to spending less time with the kids during your working day, as a working mum you probably have a tendency to strive to be super mum in every other aspect of parenting. “Reading, you say? We’ve been conducting a Jolly Phonics lesson each week with our eldest”, “Food, ah yes, I make everything from scratch”. It’s OK to be simply great, settle for that. Perfect doesn’t exist, whether you work or not.

7. Buy a wall calendar. Sounds simple and obvious – it is. Capture all those birthdays, appointments, nights out (yeah, right!) in one visible place.

8. Sort out your wardrobe. Clichéd, I know, but having your work clothes separated from your day clothes and your skirts, trousers etc. in dedicated areas will really help your turnaround time. An added benefit will be saving you time and money on shopping trips as you realise that you already have all you need.

9. Don’t put off until tomorrow. You get home from work, the kids need feeding, bathing and stories. The post needs opening, the kids’ bags need unpacking and the food shopping is about to arrive……and breathe! The last thing that you’ll want to do is file that post, but do it and straight away. It’ll take 5 minutes, a far cry from having to set aside 4 hours to sift through that huge pile of ‘filing’ at a later date. Try to adopt a “handle it once” policy for your paperwork. You’ll never actually 100% achieve this, but the principle will serve you well.

10. Remember to have fun.   There’s never been a truer adage than ‘time flies when you’re having fun’. However an observation is that additionally everyday tasks seem easier.   It’s all too easy as a working mum to include all tasks in the ‘chores’ category and view them as a big tick list, even those to do with the kids.   So what if the floor gets covered in flour during the baking sessions, or that the dog will be scratching glitter out of his ears for the next three months? Laugh, real belly laughs, and feel renewed to take on the world.

Are you one of the 78 percent who is DOOMED to fail?

Tue, 21 Jun 2011 16:33:00 GMT

Welcome to 2011 and a new decade! Hurrah.. a fresh start, spring will be here before we know it, it’s time to strip off the old and open our lives to new possibilities – and then return to the same old same old.
January is of course, the time for making New Year’s Resolutions and then for promptly breaking them!

The “78% will fail” statistic comes from research by Richard Wiseman, who does some interesting research debunking many of the claims made in the personal development field. According to Wiseman, many of the 78% in his research group failed because they had focused on what would happen if they didn’t achieve their resolution and tried to do get there by willpower alone.

Personally, I avoid being in the 78% category by not setting any resolutions! Here’s 3 reasons why people fail with New Year’s Resolutions, and what works better:

1. January, for those in the Northern Hemisphere in particular, is a month of cold, grey, short days and one that follows a month of excess, merriment and celebrations. It’s the classic “Cold Turkey” month – an image which conjures supreme acts of will in withdrawing from addictive substances, most of which will result in failure. Hardly an environment that promotes best chances of success!

What works better: If you’ve already tried a resolution and failed already, shift your focus instead onto developing a Theme for the year ahead. Choose one word or a short phrase (up to 3 words) that represents the overall direction you want to take your life this year. My theme this year is “Simplify”. I might not get there, but by having this one word at the forefront of my consciousness, I’ll strive to simplify every day and I’ll be more aware (and therefore more likely to make adjustments), when I over-complicate my life – which I have a tendency to do on a regular basis.

In short: Ditch the resolution and pick up a theme for 2011

2. People tend to make HUGE, difficult to achieve resolutions that don’t take into account the demands of everyday life. Remember that you don’t live in a vacuum. For example, it’s not easy to lose 2KGs weight as a working mum who has to get herself and her family up, dressed, fed and out of the house in the morning, go to work, go through the workday, possibly entertain clients with lunch or dinner out, organise meals and deal with a full and busy life. If you are a celebrity with a personal chef, then you’re all sorted!

What works better: Look at your life and what’s realistic and plan according to this. Break your resolution or goal into baby steps. One step at a time. And just because you stumble in your baby steps (as you will), it doesn’t actually mean that you’re doomed to failure! Just get up and try again!

In short: Be realistic, get support, take baby steps and keep on trying!

3. Rarely do people plan how they will achieve our resolutions or goals. Nor do they consider “What might prevent me from succeeding in this resolution?” or “What might go wrong and what will I do if that happens?” and “What will I put in place to support me?”

What works better: Keep a diary of your goal progress. Ask yourself why you want to achieve this, what it will bring you and brainstorm as many ideas as you can of ways to get there. Don’t make resolutions or goals on the fly! Ensure you’ve got good support and accountability structures in place (Coaches are good for this. There’s one writing to you right now!).

In short: Treat your resolution or goal as a project, not just a sentence. Remember that boring old adage: “Failing to plan is planning to fail”!

Life Lessons from a School Christmas Performance

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 00:24:00 GMT

Last night we went to Max's Christmas school performance, “Oliver”. It's unheard of for me NOT to well up every time M’s Headmaster makes a post-performance speech. Last night was no exception, but for different reasons than my usual surge of thankfulness for the quality of education and the love produced from the school.

He praised the children, the teachers and the whole school community in his usual meaningful, sincere and very special way. What moistened my eyes last night was when he acknowledged one little boy who, in one scene, forgot his lines - not once but several times.

There were a fearful few seconds when I thought "Oh no, he's just going to burst into tears and walk off stage" and I'm sure I wasn't the only one holding my breath in those moments. But he didn't. He got prompts not only from the teacher but also from many of his fellow pupils. They were all behind him and he kept going, even though he probably wanted the ground to swallow him up. I must mention; the boy was a cracking little actor and had performed flawlessly up until this point.

When the Head acknowledged this boy, the audience and the children all burst into spontaneous applause for him. We clapped, we whooped, we whistled and we CHEERED. And quite right too! He deserved every moment of that applause.

Max's school never fails to remind me of the important lessons in life. Here are the life lessons and thoughts that I took from “Oliver” last night:

Sh1t happens, even to the best of us.

How many times do we give ourselves, as working mums, "spontaneous applause" for trying and for keeping going, even when it's tough and it we feel as if we keep getting it wrong? Nobody in that audience frowned or remonstrated with the little boy; that would have been awful. Instead they cheered him on for sticking at it. Do the same for yourself, even if you don’t think you are succeeding.

Just keep going - you'll get there in the end.

None of us is perfect: It's not important to be perfect and avoid failure. It's how we choose to respond to "failure" that's important. This little boy didn't give up and guess what? After that scene, he continued to play out the remainder of his part beautifully.

We all need support for when that sh1t happens. Draw upon those around you who love you and who will support you. Let them buoy you through rough seas and carry you safely to shore when you are at the point of exhaustion and not being able to swim another stroke.

Remember to acknowledge, support and praise others who are trying but not succeeding right now. They need you.

Love really does make the World go round. Call me corny, call it Christmas sentimentality if you wish, but there was a whole lotta’ love in that school hall last night. Make your Christmas all about love and let it replenish you and yours as this year draws to a close.

Wishing you all a relaxing, love, laughter and fun-filled Christmas and New Year!

Life Work Balance Tip for Working Mums: 7 Secrets To Making Your Big Leap in 2011 as a Working Mum with Suzy Greaves

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 00:11:00 GMT

I have a surprise Christmas gift for you to thank you for being a loyal visitor to my blog. With our inboxes being bombarded with emails, I really appreciate your presence on my mailing list and especially your feedback, kind words and support for Coaching Mums. My free gift contains more work life balance tips in the form of a 25 minute podcast interview that I recorded this week with Suzy Greaves of The Big Leap. Suzy is a friend, coach colleague and has been my own coach and mentor for many things, from writing a book, finding peace and making leaps!

Suzy is author of “The Big Leap”, “The Big Peace” and the forthcoming “The Big Love” in 2011. Named by the Daily Mail as one of the UK’s Top Ten Gurus, Suzy is a breath of fresh air and a bundle of positive energy. In this podcast, Suzy talks to us about The 7 Secrets to Making Your Big Leap in 2011 as a Working Mum. I can 99.99% guarantee that you will be inspired and lifted by this podcast and I can’t think of a better gift to give you this Christmas!

To download a copy to listen to later, right-click the link below and select Save Target As or Save Link As.
Suzy Greaves Interview

Life Work Balance Tip: Do you expect your employer to sort out your work life balance?

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 00:11:00 GMT

Achieving work life balance for working mums, as I keep banging on about, is at least in part down to our own attitude and our actions. In the website www.jobs.com, a comment in a recent blog post I've just come across about work life balance mirrors my own stance.

Amy Broadbent from JRG Advisors is quoted here:
"Many mistakenly think of work-life balance as something an employer must do for employees when, in fact, work-life balance is a two-prong approach(....) One prong involves workplace initiatives and the other prong, which people often overlook, relates to what individuals do for themselves."

This reflects the ethos of all the work life balance work I do with my working mum clients and it's the principle behind my 12 week work life balance online coaching programme. The more we take responsibility for our own work life balance, which includes looking carefully at the choices we're making and recognising that we always do have a choice, the easier it is for us to successfully integrate work and life without feeling guilty or that we "should" be doing something else.

I don't mean to entirely dismiss the role of the employer in the importance of valuing their employees and recognising that working parents and working mums in particular have to juggle at least 2 full time roles.

However, if we can see "responsibility for work life balance" in terms of the 80/20 rule, with the employer's part being 20% of the work life balance equation and our own actions being 80%, we'll ultimately feel more in control of our work and life. And being in control (without giving into control freakery of course!) usually makes us feel happier and more secure.

I am convinced the Western World is going to keep changing in the wake of the economic crises we are living through. Sure, people are working hard because there are few jobs and they are keen to hang onto their jobs or may even feel that they need to take any job on any terms and conditions if they are out of work.

But this doesn't mean that you have to sell your soul, your life and the time with your family. I think the tide is changing whereby we will value the time with our loved ones and we will become clear and determined about the importance of paying attention to our lives outside of work.

The motto here is: Do your best at work but NEVER at the expense of your health, your family or your life.

Here are 5 "Coach Yourself" questions for you to ponder:

What one action/belief that you could make yourself would make a positive change to you for your life in 2011?
What choices could you make to improve your work life balance just a little in 2011?
What would you like to do if you could conjure an extra 2 hours in your week?
What might you be willing to say "no" to in order to say "yes" to "conjuring" an extra 2 hours per week for yourself, your kids or you and your partner in 2011?
So, what you gonna do about that?!

Life Work Balance Tip: Control Freak Mums Anonymous

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 00:12:00 GMT

T'm back to offer you some new work life and balance tips, this time I'm making a confession. I don’t really need reminding of my control freak tendencies, but I was reminded of them the other day when Chris and I were talking to a friend and he told her how anxious he gets when I ask him to cook, because he’s afraid of getting it wrong. Wrong doesn’t mean that he’ll fluff up on the recipe; rather it means that he won’t do it quite the way I would have done it.

My poor husband, he lives with a Certified Control Freak. Cooking isn’t the only area where he treads with trepidation. I know that as I’ve grown more aware and more mature, I’m getting better, but I think that Control Freakery, particularly in mums, is an incurable condition that can only be managed. I was going to say “controlled” but the irony of controlling control freakery is too much!

The majority of the professional working mums that I work with have suffer from the affliction of control freakery. They want things done "properly" as we would do them, and the control manifests itself both at home and at work.

It’s my way or the high way
I’m the one who manages it all
I’m the only one who can do things properly around here
My kids have to have freshly cooked organic meals
I always end up rewriting the reports of my staff
If something goes out with my name under it, it has to be perfect

This control freakery and perfectionism leads to us not being adept at delegating or even allowing others to take on a job or a task. We just don't accept reasonable human limits because we feel that we should be able to do it, do it ourselves and do it perfectly to boot.

If we’re not careful to manage our Control Freakery, it takes over: we spend too many hours at work, bottle things up, exhaust ourselves during our working week and during our supposed non working time and living in a near constant state of heightened adrenaline and stress.

The ultimate cost of consistently insisting on doing it all alone means that we end up overwhelmed, resentful and bad tempered.

Even when we get to the crisis point of overwhelm, we STILL don’t ask for help, because we feel like a failure/must be doing something wrong, and oh don’t forget your guilt! Control freak mums can go from overwhelm to mental self-flagellation to guilt in the bat of an eye.

The thing is with Control Freak Mums, is that they know they are control freaks, they know that it’s not healthy and doesn’t make life easier for us or for those of us around us, yet we still wear the CF label as a badge of pride. We mistake our ability to do so much, manage so much as superiority over lesser mortals who we pay false compliments to, saying “Oh, I wish I could be more laid back” (do you, really.. or are you secretly proud of your control freakery)?

You know it’s no good! We mustn't try to keep control of everything because it means we're trying to avoid risks, keep everything “safe” all the time. Living means risk: you simply can’t live life without risk and without things going wrong. The upshot of being a control freak is that you will experience more anxiety and stress when things do go wrong, as ultimately they will!

Here are 7 “Coach Yourself” ways of starting to manage your Control Freakery. Here are seven ways to reduce the pressure on yourself and others of control freakery:

Choose one area of your life or work in which you are known for being over-controlling (if you can’t think of one, ask a colleague, your husband or a friend!). If you rate yourself as a 10/10 for Uber Control Freakery in that area right now, what could you do to diminish that score by 3 or 4 points to 7/10 or even 6/10?

Have a conversation with your husband/partner. Open the lines of communication and ask them how they feel about you needing to always do things your way, have the final word or generally being inflexible. What effect does it have on them? Start putting yourself in their shoes to raise your awareness and take the focus of you and onto those who have to live with you. When having this conversation, do NOT justify yourself. Make it the sort of conversation where you don’t actually talk. i.e. Listen!

Ask for help and support before your regular crashes of overwhelm and resentment. What is one area of your life that you could really do with some help? No woman is an island, not even Control Feak mums. By practising asking for support, not only will you make life easier for yourself, you will start to value the concept of support more and you will also start to value diversity. Just because someone doesn’t do it your way, it doesn’t make it wrong!

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Choose what’s worth doing properly and what can “give” a little (or even a lot). Remember the serenity prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Whilst you create your own standards in life, you must also respect other’s standards too. You can give your opinion but not expect others to see your way as the shining light.
Ponder on why you feel that you have control freak tendencies. Perhaps there are some needs not being met here? Get curious about what your fundamental needs might be beyond food, shelter and water and start to see how you might get those needs met.
How do you respond to this statement? “Kindness is compatible with control freakery” Is it? Discuss in the light of kindness to yourself and kindness to others. Are you being kind when you are being a control freak? Do you want to be kind?

Top Five Reasons from the Boffins on Why the Kids are Alright

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 00:22:00 GMT

Working mums don’t have it easy. There are deadlines to meet, errands to run, kids to shuttle about, and hungry mouths to feed. We wear many hats and still survive the circus of the daily routine. To top it off, working mums face hostility at every turn—from traditionalists who lament our roles in the decline of the golden era of 1950s family values to conservatives who criticise us for harming our children, leaving them behind like damaged goods. And frequently, it’s experts and authorities who feed their daft arguments.

The good news is it’s not time for working mums to hang up their hats just yet. New evidence is in that shows that despite all the controversy, the kids really are alright! Not one, but three recent studies confirm what we rational-minded mums already knew. Upon weighing the costs and benefits of working motherhood, the studies reveal that despite public opinion and arguments to the contrary, the overall impact of work outside the home upon our kids is positive rather than negative.

So, chin up, ladies! Take pride in knowing you’re doing the right thing for you and your kids! Breathe a sigh of relief, and then read on to discover the top five reasons the boffins say it’s okay to ditch your guilt!

1. Financial Remuneration. It’s increasingly difficult for families to thrive on a single income. Never mind the rising cost of living itself, but the global economy is in a shambles, and families everywhere continue to face the repercussions of recession from layoffs to lost dividends. A dual income means greater financial security and capacity to provide for one’s family.

2. The Benefits of Nurseries. Recent results of the ongoing US National Institute of Health’s study on child development reveal that children in high-quality childcare received slightly higher scores in academic and cognitive achievement well into their teenage years. The boost to improved performance was possibly due to the “fostering [of] the early acquisition of school readiness skills.” The research suggests that quality childcare involves interactions that can provide kids with beneficial emotional and behavioural stimulation.

3. Personal Fulfilment. Admit it. Childcare can be tedious, hard work, and doing it full-time may not leave all women fulfilled. Many working mums report that the satisfaction they receive from being a member of the paid workforce gives them a sense of personal fulfilment they wouldn’t otherwise receive from staying at home with the kids. Fuelling career aspirations and meeting personal needs can be a very rewarding pursuit for a working mother.

4. Better Mental Health. Tightly linked to the fulfilment of personal goals are the benefits of improved maternal mental health. Despite the friction involved in balancing work and home life, maintaining a balance can offset the intensity or humdrum routine of the domestic sphere by giving mums an outlet for stress release.

5. Stability. The results of two other studies, one from 2009 by the Institute of Education in London, and the other released this year out of Columbia University in the US, found that the net benefits of the above factors all led to an improved family dynamic and therefore greater childhood stability. Researchers in both suggested that maternal satisfaction and happiness contributed to a stable home environment that ultimately had a greater impact on child development and health than a mother’s decision to work. Despite concerns in the UK that maternal employment had a negative impact upon kids, the Institute of Education’s study claimed that “the bulk of the evidence therefore supports the view that it really doesn’t matter much one way or another if mothers are in the labour force.”

There you have it, working mums! Official testament that we’re not doing our kids any harm and that we’re making smart life decisions! So, feel free to stick it to the next person you encounter that wags their finger at you disapprovingly by citing research that nips their flimsy arguments in the bud.

Finding validation in the studies, however, doesn’t necessarily make our work any easier. If you’re feeling guilty, overwhelmed or just plain exhausted, you’ll find plenty of tips and resources elsewhere on the blog!

It’s Official: Why you no longer need to feel guilty for being a working mum

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 00:19:00 GMT

You’ve heard it before, I’m sure. Perhaps in the check-out line at the grocery store, or at the playground on a Saturday afternoon. Maybe you’ve even come across it in the office! You know what I’m talking about—the snarky comments and upturned noses or even the gasps of blatant scorn. Raise a hand if you’ve ever gotten a reaction like that when you’ve told people you’re a working mum.

It’s no secret that putting work and motherhood together attracts candid opposition of all sorts; running the gamut from mild dismay to downright disapproval. Professional Coaching experts testify that the working mums they advise encounter criticism from all directions, often to the extent that they’re burdened by shame and guilt. Despite reaching what some might call the fourth wave of feminism in a time when equality is becoming central to the socio-political agenda, one still comes across the average Joe and Jeanette who remain scandalized by the mere, shocking idea of mums in the workplace when, don’cha know, they should be at home with the kids of course! Such hostility is perhaps not too surprising when it’s fed with the validation of social conservative agitators. One might recall, for instance, Michael Morpurgo’s vicious backlash against the working mum’s decision to put kids in nurseries while they take employment outside the home. The former children’s laureate blamed mothers in 2006 for increased childhood rates of mental health, sleeping, and eating disorders, claiming that working mums damaged future generations and winning the support of the Conservative party all in one shot.

Though extreme in his allegations, Morpugno and fellow social conservatives have supplied their vision of stay-at-home domestic bliss by turning to learned professionals who bear the “proof” that working mothers are a detriment to their children. In fact, several hard-hitting studies have emerged in recent years amid growing controversy in the UK about the consequences that working mums supposedly incur upon their child’s well-being and health.

One 2008 inquiry into early childhood development in Britain published by The Children’s Society claimed that toddlers left in the care of grandparents were at risk of lowered emotional and behavioural scores due to the inability of elderly family members to provide proper social and educational stimulation. Anti-working mums’ groups neglect to mention that the same study revealed the toddlers benefited from an improved vocabulary and other cognitive abilities. An international report of the same year by UNICEF also claimed that institutional care, especially in the first years, could cause depression and behavioural development issues in children, stating that, “The younger the child and the longer the hours spent in child care, the greater the risk.” At fault, the study concluded, was greater gender equality and opportunity as well the increasing economic need for dual incomes. When researchers narrowed in on the UK, finding that the “majority” of children receive non-parental day care during their first year, UNICEF did call for improved maternity leave policy as English children were lagging behind their counterparts in many other developed countries, meaning that it’s perhaps official policy that’s at fault and not working mothers. Finally, one study just released this year comparing obesity rates from 1965 and the early 1990s attributed an increased prevalence of childhood obesity to the working mother’s lack of time to prepare nutritious meals or engage their children in more physical activity. Few of the articles reported on the positive, meaning that the message picked up by the media was unfairly biased.

One mother of two I know, so successful in her marketing career that she’s been awarded top accolades, remarked that, “it’s mad, really. The idea that my success means that I care less about my kids’ well-being than a stay at home mum is ridiculous—ignorant, really. It’s an insult, is what it is!” Yet, with results from the pundits themselves that suggest that we’re hurting our children, what is a working mum to do?

Never fear! Before we park our careers at the door and welcome our at-risk kids back into the welcoming folds of be-smocked bosoms and home-baked bread, good news is on the horizon! Part Two of this article sheds a happier glow over the working mum controversy with fab news from the other side! In the meantime, if you’re finding it difficult to deal with socially-imposed feelings of guilt, Online Coaching may be the answer! A Professional Coach can help you see that your career decisions are wise ones, and she may even point you to the positive news we’ve uncovered in Part Two of our report! Stay tuned!

Debating the value of that “pernicious and wholly pejorative expression ‘having it all.’

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 00:22:00 GMT

In our previous instalment discussing the idea of working mums today wanting and having “it all,” it’s clear the issue has attracted widespread attention in both professional and popular media, particularly with the release of leading lady Emma Thompson’s controversial statement on the subject.

Garnering the wrath of Telegraph columnist, Judith Woods, who took advantage of Thompson’s remarks to question the origins of the “pernicious and wholly pejorative expression ‘having it all’,” the debate hinges on the definition of “it” and “all”, and its implications rather than its reality. Woods continued, the term “implies greed and thoughtless acquisition [and that it became] lazy shorthand for an Eighties fantasy of the ruthless female executive in a suit clutching a baby and a mobile phone the size of an electricity generator, à la Diane Keaton in Baby Boom—an emotionally detached, multitasking automaton in heels.”

The implications of selfish and self-entitled, power suit adorned, Eighties women has also been the kernel of the much despised image of the man-hating Feminist whose massive shoulder pads could rival any fellow’s masculine breadth. This image of the heartless ladder-climbing witch busting through the glass ceiling is one that threatens a whole range of groups; from manly men who fear being made redundant to fundamentalist groups who view working women and working mums as somehow spiritually bereft.

Yet, it’s also the Phyllis Schlafly’s of the world who malign the non-traditional woman, often depicting them as subversive anti-family agents out to destroy societal and familial mores. Even Fay Weldon—associate of the feminist movement well-noted for literary protagonists trapped by domestic demands and sexual inequality—seems to have retreated to an anti-feminist stance in response to Thompson’s comments, blaming women for their own predicaments and for pursuing a vision in which “it's the children who suffer in a world that two generations of feminists have created.”

In her Daily Mail article, Weldon seconds Thompson’s statement, claiming that as inheritors of supposed Feminist Liberation, we’ve “inadvertently bred a race of young men who 'won't commit' to women” because our “young women are so confident in their power, their effectiveness, as they seek to cultivate the aggression which once belonged to the young male” that they frighten them off. Worst of all, Weldon argues, we’ve left the kids to suffer a lonely childhood disconnected from mothers who have essentially abandoned them to anonymous, unloving caregivers. In reaction to the idea that there might be economic need for women to work, Weldon again faults second-wavers for singing “to capitalism’s tune” and themselves creating a society where families can no longer rely on the male breadwinner.

The idea that working mums want “too much” or have “too much” is problematic precisely because such comments are never made about the male of the species. Aiming for professional and personal success is seen as a worthy goal for men, but for women who try to pursue satisfaction in both areas, we’re accused of greedily trying to “have it all.” It’s a definition that relies on tired concepts that women are and should only be nurturers, and that even if we must work, we must first identify ourselves as mothers and wives. We’re expected to put everyone else’s needs before our own, docile as we accept marginalization and second-class status.

I have never met a working mum who blindly pursues her own goals with ruthless disregard for her children. Nor have I encountered a mum who cheerfully announces that in seeking it all, she’s stumbled upon a perfectly balanced Stepford Wife world in which she rules as a the queen of pretty, white picketed efficiency, a great sex life, and well-behaved child prodigies. The idea that having it all implies perfection is no closer to the reality than the one that implies unbridled self-indulgence.

Rather, most working mums reveal that having and wanting it all really means having the freedom to pursue passions and aspirations in multiple areas, and not be relegated to living a life of a one-dimensional character, tethered to the domestic front. And though we may have been successful in attaining that freedom, it seems we continue to face the barriers of unfair stereotypes.

Many suggest that one answer lies in the creation of public policies which further legitimize workplace equality, such as improved caregiver leave, part-time wage parity, and paid sick days. The solution really does not lie in making women feel guilty for “wanting too much” but rather in bringing social and labour views up to date to enable greater family security and happiness.

Unfortunately, it may be awhile before those changes are enacted. While we wait and pursue, check out some of my tips for ditching your guilt!